JesterGoblin: A permanent home of Absurdity

Paranormal Activity is heralded as the latest Blair Witch. A movie that was made for super cheap that makes a bunch of money and isn’t one of those studio produced horror films (I’m looking at you Saw VI). The reviews were looking really good – it currently has 85% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Shot by some unknown guy and starring two unknown actors, the film had a lot of potential to be absolutely terrifying. If it felt really campy, reviewers would have said so by now, right? After all, some reviewers walked out of the theater because they were so scared. Sounds awesome.

Now there will be spoilers after the break and dinosaurs. You’ve been warned.

Maybe it was the medication I was on from having the flu or the fact that I was constantly exhausted this weekend but this movie sucked. The mythology behind it was vague at best. I mean, you can’t just say it’s a demon haunting the house! Pull out a Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual and pick one! Also, the idea that a couple went three weeks straight without sex isn’t very believable. Especially when they aren’t even married. But my biggest problem is the “demon” itself. I think I know it was.

A velociraptor. Yeah, I said it.

But not just any velociraptor, this one is invisible, can control people’s minds and has the ability to shoot lasers out of its eyes (most likely).

Why a velociraptor?

First off, you never see the “demon” but it appears to be intelligent and move quickly. It also can open doors, which we learned they can do from Jurassic Park. The two times we see any evidence of the “demon” are foot prints and bite marks. The foot prints are clearly three-pronged and match well enough. As for the teeth marks, they looked dinosaur-y enough. And the noises it makes aren’t ever human languages, usually stepping, thuds (perhaps the tail hitting things) or growling. Sounds like a dinosaur.

Why mind control?

Between the few times that the chick in the movie gets possessed, at the end she draws a knife (clearly a makeshift talon) before killing her boyfriend. We never see Micah’s body but I bet his stomach was slashed open because that’s what they do.

Now imagine Superman was a dinosaur.

Why heat vision?

There are two instances of things burning in this movie: an Ouija board and an old photograph. Now, ghosts aren’t solid so they can’t interact with the physical world. But the Ouija board bursts into flames and later a burned photo is found in the attic. Clearly this dinosaur possesses powers greater than normal dinosaurs. He was probably a government test subject and just wants to be loved but is scared and unknowingly lashing out against people.

And some how this movie the is the most profitable film ever. It has a return of 414,233%. What the hell.